Who Am I
One of the hard questions in life is to ask yourself, who am I, it is hard because it is natural that people tend to go in a few directions, the first is they are ego driven and their response to the question is them painting a pitcure of this wonderful person with very few flaws, the other direction is to be overly critical, the catch to overly critical is it can be the person truly feels the things they have been critical about are true or the person can come over as being hubirus. Then you get the person who will be critical but they are only doing that so they do not appear ego driven which they actually are.
So here we go, my attempt to answer the Who Am I question and trying to paint an accurate picture.
I do not believe all children are born sweet and innocent, the reality is human beings can be born with any number of mental illness which will impact their childhood, I do however believe the majority of people are born sweet and innocent and then they progress along their journey and they are shaped by the journey, I would suggest the little boy pictured right was born sweet and innocent.
It is also clear the little boys parents had no fashion sense and liked to take pictures that would one day embarrass their children.
This young boy would grow to have chest complications and was subjected to regular doctor visits and penicillin injections, I cannot give greater detail as this is the level of my understanding, at some point the boy’s body became allergic to penicillin. The story goes the boy struggled to breath turned a little blue and was in hospital unsure if he would survive. I do not think this event shaped the man much as it was to early in life to leave a lasting imprint.
This boy from accounts was close to the perfect child, was easily pleased, happy to be on his own, his mother would remark that she could leave Kent alone with a couple of toys and he would happily play on his own for hours, hardly threw tantrums and was always happy to help and please people.
Through the journey a great deal of this boy was erased, I do belive at the core this boy still exists but like everyone else who we started out as is not who we finish as, the events of our life change us.
This boy on the right was no different to most, confussed about who he was, he had very few friends, he still tended to be somewhat of a loner, I believe this boy was still very much at the core the boy holding the dog above but coming into the teen years that would all change as it does for everyone.
During the primary school years this boy was generally happy more often than not, into the highschool years this boy would change a lot, often bullied and picked on at school in year 8, this boy would be mostly described as shy, somewhat of a loner with very few friends, appeared mostly happy and was happy to help people, lacking self confidence and perhaps a little emotional.
Into year 9 he would start doing a little boxing and then got into Taekwondo, this would have a big impact on this boy, he soon found some confidence.
The change in this boy was not dramatic but there was a fair bit of change, he went from lacking confidence to realising that he did not need to fear the bullies and could infact handle himself well, the early stages of year 9 would see this boy picked on as he was in year 8 but the difference was now he would fight back, he went from running from the bullies to standing his ground and fighting and winning, he soon became known as one of the kids not to mess with and with that the bullies left him alone, this boy would go a little further than defending himself, he would go out of his way to confront the bullies, things like standing up for a cousin who was being bullied, standing up for another kid who a bully was pushing around. I do recall this boy got into a fight with a much bigger kid because the kid was trying to take his cousins lunch money.
Lost innocence is about the only way to describe the early stages of year 10, no longer was this boy the one picked on, the bullies knew very well to stay clear of him, the problem is this boy had lost who he was, he would soon become the bully. Spured on by friends he would bully other kids, he may not have physically struck any kid in his bullying ways but he was still a bully by words and physically pushing the victim around, knowing all very well that his reputation meant nobody dare challenge him. It is fair to say this boy became that which he despised and in doing so lost his way.
One day during school football training as he jogged the oval with his team a much bigger boy named Jarrod punched him in the face without any warning, this punch was from a so called team mate and one of the boys also known to be someone not to mess with, the boy considered the punch, his first thought was to fight back, but he opted to do nothing, he realised this punch was because he was a bully and Jarrod had punched him because of this. Jarrod was aware that I had bullied a kid and was showing me that bullies are not accepted, with that the boy pretty much stopped fighting, stopped being a bully and gave up martial arts, this was not the sole reason he would give up martial arts, it was also a hard thing to get to having to catch a bus into town and walk 20 minutes to the dojo, my father would often pick me up but getting there was annoying.
This boy would slowly drift back to the boy that had no confidence, for the next few years he would be more like the sweet innocent boy he had started out as, the catch is he would once more be the victim of bullying, this time however he would not fight back and simply accept it.
Life went this way for a short period, this boy soon came to the age of girls and dating, I will not write all about that here, I do believe a great deal of what happened in life from the teen years to present is covered in “My Relationships“.
The My Relationships sections will tell you a great deal about me, I will however attempt to give an unbias view below.
So after all the above and all that is written in “My Relationships”, the question remains, WHO AM I
To truly answer that I have to look at the things I feel I want in life as of this moment in time, I have spent a lot of time looking back and a great deal of this website is indeed looking back, looking forward tells me who I am as it shows what I want and what I want will tell you more about me than anything else.
I am not the type of guy that goes out with his mates drinking, in fact I really do not have friends, I am not the go out drinking party type of person, I am ok with the casual friends over few drinks chat and laugh but I really am not and never have been the club or pub type guy.
I would prefer a night at home lying with my lady on the couch watching a movie than going out.
My happiness tends to come from my partners happiness, if you are happy, I am happy, I have a theory that woman really need to be loved and shown they are loved, men and this means me, I tend to loo for respect more than anything, I think to men having a woman who shows her respect is what makes a man feel loved.
I certainly do feel sad and alone when I am single, I think this is because of the point above, without a partner I feel empty, I just believe that the joy of life is that special person in your life, life is not about a solo existance it is about sharing times with the person you have a connection with.
I have never hit a woman and never would, I witnessed a lot of violence in my house growing up with my dad who would assault my mother, I would cut my arms off before becoming him. I have always felt a man’s position is to protect his woman not be a pretend tough guy assaulting someone who is physically weaker.
I truly love waking up next to someone special and seeing them asleep, I am happy to be the one who gets up and makes the morning coffee, I truly miss coming home to someone, in fact that is probably one of the things at present that I am battling with, coming home is just so empty.
The above probably paints me out to be a softy, I guess in many ways the sweet innocent boy is still inside me but life has shaped me a little, I do not suffer arrogant want to be alpha male types, I do not suffer bullies or aggressive males.
I do not pick on anyone, I do not go out of my way to hurt anyone, I truly believe nobody has the right to hurt someone else, but I 100% will not accept guys who behave this way, it is not about being a tough guy or want to be hero, I just do not accept that type of male and I will stand my ground, 99% of the time those types of males back down because most of them are pretend tough guys, the 1% that do not back down, yes I concede that is an issue, in my life it has often resulted in me having to deal with them physically, but as I age my chances of success here are less and less but I will never back down from someone who is threatening me or my loved ones, that is simply the old lion will double down and if I lose I lose trying to protecting those I love.
That sounds really dramatic, but you get my point, I am I think a softy on the inside, but I can truly be the big old lion when the time calls for it.
I like to laugh, and I often use myself as something for others to laugh at, I’ll do many silly things, I am known for silly funny behaviour or singing songs and clowning around.
The more I type here the more the overwhelming thought is this, deep down all I want is someone who wants to be with me for who I am, I would love a partner who looks at me and thinks she is lucky to be with me, I seem to have spent a great deal of my life with a partner who thinks that I am lucky to be with her.
Of course, if I found a partner who thought she as lucky to be with me that does not change the fact, I would likely be thinking the same thing, it would just be nice to be in a relationship where it was not one way thinking.
I work in an industry that has me dealing with emotions and mental health issues of kids, that probably also tells you something about me, I work in a field that I must think and feel as opposed to physical work.
I return the trolly back to the trolly stand at shopping centres, I will often collect others on my way and return them.
I have been known to help an old lady cross the street.
I will open and hold the door for others.
I do enjoy holding hands with my lady when we are out.
I make my bed every morning and tend to keep things tidy, yes my drawers are neat and tidy and yes there is a drawer for tshirts, polo shirts, tank tops, hoodies, everything has its place lol and yes, the clothes are folded not just stuffed into the drawer.
I can cook and tend to do that most nights, I think my cooking is ok, have not had to many complaints, you can see some of the things I cook on this site.
I am good with money and can create budgets and save money.
I have for most of my life worked and supported myself and my loved ones.
So far there seems to be mostly good things, on the negative I have a horrible tendancy to talk assuming you do not understand something so ill explain or ask if you understand, this has at times offended some people, or ill repeat something because I have not picked up a facial que from you that you are following me, this I am not sure if it is my issue or the person I was with unable to understand or not listening and providing the facial que that would show me they are listening and understanding. I can get frustrated when talking to someone and what I am telling them they are not understanding, I am fine with kids here but adults I can get frustrated.
I do not tend to yell much, I did in my younger years, in my 20’s I could yell a house down but over time I have tried hard not to and often do not bother, I try hard to just talk calmly and my work really requires this so it has been something I have improved a great deal over the course of my life, when you work with kids you learn how to remain calm when you are angry or frustrated.
My other negative is my weight, I have battled with it a lot over the years, this has been combo of my sweet tooth and living with someone who enables me, I am on a big journey now to get back into shape and you can see how that is going in my fitness and weight loss page. To give you examples of enabling me, my previous partner would not want to touch me because I am over weight, she would not say it but not touching me would make me think it, I would try to do something about my weight and she would buy me a bag of lollies or a cake or a cake, lollies and a bag of chips, that is enabling, that is not supporting. Yes she had times she did support but over the journey I would suggest the support was less than the enabling, upon reflection I feel she would do those things to pull me down because she felt better about herself when she was feeling superior to me.
At this stage of my life I do think I have conquered the weight issue, I am probably in better shape in my 50’s than I was in my 30’s.
A lot of this really has sounded melodramatic lol, at least I think it is honest and from the above you should be able to work out the sort of person I am.